


Learn To See

by melonbutterfly



Series: Best (Worst) Possible Time [5]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, Meditation, Protectiveness, Sentinel/Guide Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 12:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonbutterfly/pseuds/melonbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony makes some progress, Loki threatens someone and overall there is a lot of talking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learn To See

**Author's Note:**

> It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.  
>  **Hermann Hesse**

"Now just concentrate on your breathing," Tony says, keeping his voice calm and even. He's just talked Loki through a body relaxation exercise because Loki seriously, seriously needs it. And this is Tony saying that, who has never stayed on top of his meditation at all. Then again, he's seriously come to regret that recently, so maybe the scales are skewed anyway.

But there's no denying that Loki needs some calm. He had promised Tony to stop pushing and he had kept that promise, hadn't said another word about going outside, but three days into the promise Loki's prowling had started to make _Tony_ nervous. And Tony is still mostly coasting on the high of a new bond and a perfect mate who stays inside with him, touches him a lot and is altogether pretty amazing. It's a bit weird because up until the point of the promise Loki has been mostly content lazing around with his Guide, but Tony has some theories on the matter. The primary one being that once Loki knew he _had_ to stay inside, it grew infinitely more difficult for him. It would be an understatement to say that Loki has issues with control, any sort of it.

This puts Tony in a bit of a dilemma. On the one hand he wants for Loki to be comfortable and happy and he clearly isn't currently so he should release Loki from the promise, but on the other hand going outside won't make Loki any happier. It will take him away from Tony – which will bother Tony too but his own needs are secondary, as far as Tony is concerned – and Loki doesn't appear to be really comfortable with that. Tony is reasonably sure that Loki is pressurizing himself and he really doesn't know what to do about that – any attempt to control Loki will make it worse, but letting him do as he feels he must won't do either of them any good either.

So Tony decided to make an attempt at helping Loki calm down and discuss the whole issue reasonably. Which turned out to be much more difficult than he had thought because the simple breathing exercise that is pretty much the first thing any Guide or Sentinel learns at the Center had just frustrated Loki. Luckily, it appears the body relaxation exercise seems to have done the trick because Loki is lying on the sofa and seams reasonably calm, finally. His head is in Tony's lap, hands folded on his belly, and he feels almost relaxed – and as long as Tony keeps talking, he'll stay that way. Tony really isn't sure if it's the exercise that's relaxing Loki or the physical contact plus Tony's calm, steady voice, but as long as it works it's not important what exactly it is that's working.

"Focus on the feeling of your breath entering your lungs."

This is the first time Tony is guiding somebody else through the meditation; when he was a teenager he had to go to weekly Guide sessions and they generally included meditation which to Tony had mostly just been an exercise in mind-numbing boredom. As soon as the mandatory sessions were over Tony had stopped the meditation, and the regular refresher sessions hadn't changed that at all. He wouldn't have admitted it at the time, but even then he had never really expected to actually find his Sentinel and the older he had gotten, the surer he had grown in that belief. The past ten plus years Tony had been more or less absolutely sure that he'd remain alone.

Even now, looking back, he can't really fault himself for the assumption; Tony is far from the ideal Guide and nevermind that he'd partly made himself so on purpose, he still doesn't think that anyone would pick him if they actually had the choice. But bonding is not about choice and Loki seems okay with him (and Tony will not think about the fact that Loki didn't even know Guides and Sentinels existed until they met and as a result has no frame of reference) so Tony resolves to do the best job he possibly can from now on.

Which means a hardcore Guide refresher course must be in his imminent future. Pretty much as soon as he and Loki are okay with strangers in their environment, even.

Though actually... Tony frowns, considering the possibility of a video conference; he doesn't actually need a physical presence in his space. In fact, that would probably have the opposite of a settling influence on him, someone close to him but especially close to Loki, and there is no way Loki would be okay with letting a stranger into the house, much less leaving Tony alone with them. So a video conference would be pretty much ideal actually.

Loki's head shifts a little in his lap, claiming Tony's full attention again; he almost let Loki slip away from him. Improvising a little, he puts his hand on the center of Loki's sternum and says, "feel the way your chest lifts my hand up every time you breathe in."

Nostrils flaring, Loki takes a deep breath; Tony is pretty sure he's scenting him. He smiles but tries to keep it out of his voice; anything out of the ordinary will pull Loki out of the state of relaxation he's in right now. "Feel the warmth from my hand."

This is pretty relaxing for Tony as well, he finds; Loki is relatively calm by this point, which he hasn't really been in quite a while. It calms something in Tony, the part of him that thinks he's a no good Guide; at least he can do something right, at least he's helping Loki right now.

"Feel that warmth spread through your whole body."

Tony takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, focuses on Loki and the state of relaxation he's projecting, lets himself sink into it as well. They drift for a while, together but still independent from one another. It's incredible, feeling so close to Loki in a way that goes beyond the physical. Tony relishes in it and briefly considers deepening the connection, but in the end he decides to leave it as it is for now; no adventures, they just need to relax.

Eventually they re-emerge simultaneously. Loki keeps his head in Tony's lap but he turns on his side and pushes his face into Tony's belly, curls up a little, so Tony makes use of the opportunity to finally be able to put his hands on Loki in the way he's been wanting to since Loki put his head in his lap. He cards his fingers through Loki's hair and lets his other hand just drift across Loki's neck, shoulders and back, his arms. Loki sighs and nuzzles Tony's belly through the shirt, breathing out hotly into the cloth. "My apologies," he says eventually. "It appears I'm quite... incapable of keeping my word, even if I want to."

"Hey, no," Tony argues immediately. "You haven't broken your promise. It's not your fault that it's difficult for you." He curls in and presses a kiss to Loki's head. "You're doing very well. Don't beat yourself up for not having an easy time."

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Loki quotes Tony's words back to him, smiling weakly into Tony's belly.

"Yes," Tony insists. "It's bound to be difficult at the beginning but we're good here, we have time. No pressure, okay?"

Loki nods, and Tony hopes that he finally is starting to internalize that. He gives Loki a while to think about that and both of them some time to settle before he brings up the idea he had earlier. "How do you feel about a video call?"

It's such a shame when Loki's body goes still at that, the relaxation vanishing almost completely. "What do you mean?" He sits up, puts a hand on Tony's shoulder to keep him still and straddles his lap. He looks displeased. When he, eyes narrowed, runs his fingers through Tony's hair, it feels a lot like scent-marking even though by this point Tony probably smells more of Loki than of himself. "Who do you want to call?"

Ah. Tilting his head back, Tony bares his neck to Loki. "The SGC. I think I need a Guide refresher course." Nobody he knows in private is important enough to make Loki uncomfortable with his need to call them. Not even Pepper, and yeah, Tony feels bad about that, she doesn't deserve to be treated that way, but he's fairly sure that she doesn't blame him for it. Neither of them are to blame, really. It's a screwed up situation (well, that aspect of it, not that Tony can bring himself to regretting anything) but there is nothing to be done about it.

Loki hums, leans in to nuzzle Tony's neck. Mouth still on Tony's skin he asks, "Is this because I am such a difficult Sentinel?"

"No!" Tony wraps his arms around Loki's body. "Stop calling yourself that."

Pulling back a little so he can look into Tony's face, Loki says, "You don't like when I say that. It makes you angry, even though you cannot reasonably deny it."

"It pisses me off," Tony returns forcefully, "and I can deny it all I want because it's not true." He frowns at Loki. "A difficult Sentinel is one who doesn't work with his Guide. Who doesn't listen and isn't interested in balance. In no way does that apply to you, so really, stop saying- stop even thinking that."

Loki narrows his eyes and tilts his head. "Why else do you want to have this... Guide refresher course, then?" He puts both hands on Tony's face, tilts it up so Tony has no choice but to look him straight in the eyes. "Because you believe you are... not capable enough a Guide?"

It's not hard to see where Loki is going with this, but Tony shakes his head. "That's different. I didn't pay as much attention as I should have, and I need to remedy that as soon as possible."

"I have no problems with this video call," Loki says after a moment. Tony can't tell whether that's the unvarnished truth. "But I do not like the implication that you seem to think that you are not... a good Guide."

"You have no frame of reference," Tony returns and immediately winces, wishing he could take it back. Throwing Loki's lack of knowledge in his face is probably the best way of getting exactly the opposite of where he wants.

"Don't condescend to me," Loki snaps, the first time he takes such a sharp tone with Tony. "Just because I have never consciously met another Guide before does not mean that I don't know my own mind, body and senses, and the effect you have on all of them." He runs one hand through Tony's hair, gaze piercing. "Over the past days you have settled me incredibly in ways I could never have imagined and certainly have never experienced. Don't ever dare downplay or demean the influence you have had and continue to have on me ever again, Tony."

Mute, Tony nods. There really isn't anything at all he can say to that, at least not without sounding either like a condescending ass or a self-pitying whiner who is fishing for compliments. But it appears Loki doesn't really expect an answer anyway, because after a moment of significant staring to ensure he's made his point he wraps both arms around Tony and pulls him close, puts his head right above his heart.

Really, Tony thinks self-deprecatingly, he did an excellent job at dispelling the relaxation completely. At least Loki isn't prowling around the room anymore, scowling out of the window and growling at the door.

After a while Loki starts running his hands up and down whatever areas of Tony's body he can reach; his arms, shoulders, back and head mostly. "When do you wish to make this call?" he asks calmly. Tony can tell that inside he isn't as calm as he sounds but he's not agitated. Not really content, no, but there is some improvement to the disquiet of before the meditation.

"As soon as possible, I guess," Tony says. "It's not super-urgent but there's no point in waiting, is there?"

"No," Loki agrees and, after a moment of hesitation, climbs off Tony's lap. "Where?"

They could do it here but Tony discards the idea quickly. The living room isn't as intimate as the bedroom but right now this whole house is pretty much their private space, he doesn't really want to let anybody else in even in the very limited, mostly non-intrusive way of a video call. So he takes Loki to the office he doesn't often use and sits behind his desk, organizing a second chair for Loki so he can sit right next to him according to his preference.

At first the call isn't a video call; he calls the special SGC line reserved for pairs during bonding, open twenty-four seven, and informs the woman who takes the call – mundane, Tony doesn't know how he knows but he just does – that he would like to make a video call to a Guide expert. Within three minutes he's called back by some guy who has a buttload of degrees in Guide/Sentinel studies and a couple of theses on the matter under his belt. They really must have fallen all over themselves to arrange this so quickly.

"Guide Stark," he says with a bit of warmth in his voice, but not enough to ping a Sentinel's jealousy triggers. "Sentinel Loki. My name is Dr. Simon Elliot, you may call me Simon or Dr. Elliot. It's good you called when you needed to. How can I be of assistance?"

"Well," Tony says. "I got a couple of questions and I figured you'd have answers." More reliable answers than the internet, at least. That hasn't been entirely helpful because every time Tony cross-references he finds information that somehow vaguely if not outright contradicts what he just read, and he's not going to take any risks where his bond and Sentinel are concerned.

Elliot inclines his head. "Certainly. I hear this is the first time you have contacted the SGC; may I ask how your bonding is proceeding?"

"It's fine," Tony says, "there are no problems." That, very belatedly, is when he realizes how his calling them might look from the outside and the absolutely very last thing he wants for them to think is that something is wrong between him and Loki, so he hastens to elaborate. "We're doing great. No, I just had some questions about stuff I need to do as a Guide."

Brows furrowing, Elliot nods. "Of course. Ask away, I'll do my best to help you."

"Okay, so. I think I vaguely remember that we did some stuff in Guide training at one point where we're supposed to meditate and feel the bond? It was all very esoteric and I didn't really get it but now I kinda need to know what that was all about, and how to do that."

Elliot looks at him for a moment. His face remains blank but somehow he still manages to be judgmental. "That is basic Guide training."

"Well, yeah." Uncomfortable, Tony pulls his shoulders up. He knows he fucked up not paying attention, but he's guilting himself enough for it, he doesn't need somebody else to heap on as well.

After another judgmental silence Elliot nods. "Very well. Describe to me what you have been attempting to do."

Didn't he just do that? "Well, meditate and go inside myself and feel the bond. Didn't work." Tony narrows his eyes. "And there definitely is something to feel there, I can tell that much, but I don't really know how to get there."

Elliot takes a breath. "What kind of meditation are you using? You do remember the different types of meditation techniques?"

Well, that's a little uncalled for. Meditation is something they do in every damn lesson; having been in lessons since he was four Tony would have to be extraordinarily forgetful and careless not to remember at least two or three different types, and he remembers more. "Yeah. A breathing one with a bit of landscaping thrown in."

"Then I do not see why it's not working," Elliot says with a frown. "Do you meditate correctly or do you doze off?"

The hell. Tony is just about to get indignant when Loki, who has remained perfectly silent until this point, suddenly speaks up.

"Speak to him like that again, and I will cut off your tongue."

Elliot freezes and stares at Loki, eyes going wide. Tony feels similarly bowled over; the guy hadn't even really been that horrible, all things considered, just condescending, and considering how it's pretty much common knowledge that Tony is a sucky Guide and adding to that the fact that he is calling them for help with something basic that's not very surprising. But Loki just looks at Elliot calmly as if he's done nothing but comment on the weather, which makes it even more scary when he leans forwards a little and adds, "Do not question his judgment again."

Yeah, this is a Sentinel getting protective over his Guide but Loki doesn't react like any Sentinel Tony has ever seen or heard of. He remains perfectly calm, almost pleasant where others would growl warningly at this stage, alerting people that some line has been crossed.

Loki didn't growl but Elliot still gulps and does the wise thing; he nods complacently and doesn't argue, doesn't look at Tony at all.

"Perhaps," Loki says after a moment, "we should speak to somebody else. Someone more professional with more expertise." He raises one eyebrow.

Elliot might be a condescending jerk but he does have some brains somewhere and doesn't argue with the Sentinel in early bonding protecting his Guide's honor. He simply nods again, says "As you wish. Someone will call you momentarily." and ends the call.

Tony is quiet for a moment, though he turns in his chair to more or less gape at his Sentinel who looks very unconcerned with what just happened, just raises an eyebrow at Tony. "I do not allow such disrespect," he eventually says, when Tony still can't find the words to say. "You should not either."

"Yeah, well, I don't," Tony returns. He's a bit of a mess inside, indignation at being protected when he is perfectly capable of doing that himself warring with the Guide part of him that's extraordinarily pleased at his Sentinel's show of concern and protection. "You were just faster. Besides-" But that's not a smart thing to say, not at all, so Tony swallows the rest.

"Besides what?" Loki narrows his eyes.

Tony winces. After their earlier conversation it would be really dumb to say what he almost did just now, and he doesn't disrespect Loki by pretending that it's something else either. Loki clearly knows what Tony was thinking, and clearly disapproves – understandably so, since they just talked about it. So Tony does something he so very rarely does: he cuts the crap and apologizes. "I'm sorry. I'm trying, okay? It won't happen overnight."

Loki nods, accepting that even if he doesn't look entirely happy with it. It's a problem that can't be easily solved and it makes Tony very aware of the discord between them. Right now it doesn't seem like much but it's one of several small problems they have and that's not good, not to mention that Tony doesn't know if this is something that will grow bigger and become a real big issue between them. It's worrying and Tony resolves to try to do anything to resolve this. Which includes talking to the SGC more, as much as he doesn't really want to.

The next person who calls is some woman, mundane again and Tony really wonders how he knows that. Before, he used to need to meet someone in person to tell either way but that's clearly not true anymore. In fact, it hasn't been since he somehow on some level recognized Loki on video.

"Guide Stark, Sentinel Loki," she nods. "My name is Erica Kernov. Please accept my apologies on behalf of the Sentinel Guide Center for Dr. Elliot's behavior. He has been removed form the first response team and will undergo retraining."

"Not sure how much that's gonna fix his poor behavior," Tony replies coolly, not at all inclined to go easy on the jerk. "Considering all his degrees, he has certainly been thoroughly trained."

"One would think," Loki adds not quite under his breath. Tony doesn't make any attempt to hide his smirk.

"Of course," Kernov agrees with a miniscule twitch of the corners of her lips, but she manages to regain her professionalism quickly. "I was being politely facetious so we can all pretend he isn't in the doghouse for being condescending."

Tony snickers. "Can't say I feel sorry for him. You listened in, I take it?"

Kernov shakes her head. "We don't monitor first response calls unless during training. I saw the video afterwards."

Yeah, Tony isn't very surprised. "Okay, so you know why I'm calling."

"You can't feel the bond," Kernov nods.

That sounds like the woman's next words are going to be something like if Tony doesn't feel it that means there's nothing there to feel, and that, just, no. Shaking his head, Tony reaches out to take Loki's hand. "No, no – I mean, partially, yeah, but I know it's there. I can feel it, but I can't... locate it."

"No worries, there's no way you mistakenly identified each other," Kernov assures, somehow knowing instinctively what bothered Tony. "There has never been a known case of a Sentinel and Guide believing themselves mates and being wrong. Nobody doubts that." She pauses for a moment. "How do you feel when you try to locate the bond? How often have you tried?"

Tony shrugs. "A handful of times, I can't say for sure. And, you know, I meditate. Calm, relaxed, I guess."

"What about your Sentinel? How is he feeling?"

"Loki?" Tony glances towards his Sentinel, who sits there quietly observing the conversation. "I don't know, okay, generally?"

Kernov narrows her eyes. "So you don't meditate together?"

"Uh, not really? I mean we did it once, earlier." But Tony is reasonably sure nobody told him his Sentinel was supposed to meditate along with him when he locates the bond. In fact, he's pretty sure he remembers that he's supposed to be able to check on the bond's status whenever he wants to, even without meditation, but he can't even do it with, so.

"How did that feel?"

"Good," Tony replies immediately, but he's reluctant to elaborate on something so private; since there were no problems he doesn't think it'll be really necessary.

Kernov nods as if that's what she'd hoped to hear and suggests, "You should do it again, then. It will increase your familiarity with each other and the bond and strengthen your connection. Have you tried to map your Sentinel yet?"

"No." Tony glances at Loki once more, who has tilted his head but otherwise remains silent. "I thought that comes after the whole feel the bond part. I thought I'd need the bond for that. I'm pretty sure that's what they said during training."

"That is one possibility, yes, but if you try as much as is possible now it will strengthen the bond which in turn will make it easier to locate. It's actually not uncommon for the Guide to have difficulties with the bond – with the bond, not the bonding, in this case a very big difference – at first. Training is generalized and is meant to only pass on the most pertinent information because it's impossible to prepare everyone for all eventualities; you'd have to go to classes every day for years for that. It's generally assumed and expected that, if needed, the pair will seek help. Furthermore, being aware of the possibility that there might be difficulties actually makes the process harder for Guides; anxiety or tension do not make for easy meditation."

Ah. Okay. Tony cringes; guilty as charged.

Kernov tilts her head. "Am I correct in assuming that was a factor?"

Reluctantly, Tony nods. He isn't comfortable discussing this with a stranger, especially not knowing that others are going to look in on this conversation if not during, then after the fact, but he promised himself he'd do everything in his power to become a good Guide for Loki and full disclosure with the woman who's supposed to help him with that is necessary for that. "Yeah."

Nodding, Kernov makes a short note on a paper. "Your Sentinel will help you with that. Just his presence is a calming influence on your mind, as I am sure you are aware, and if you meditate together it will both strengthen the bond and make it easier for you to locate and navigate it." She looks up and leans in a little. "Now, I realize you might not want to talk to a stranger about this, but I can promise you that our conversation will remain in strict confidence."

"Elliot's didn't," Tony interrupts with a frown, because seriously, they had just talked about it.

"That's because he screwed up," Kernov explains bluntly. "If there were difficulties during a first response conversation, another expert will immediately be asked to supervise the record. Any problems during early bonding can have long-lasting difficulties for the pair and that's the last thing the Center wants. I was and will remain the only one to have seen your conversation with Dr. Elliot, and, should no problems arise during our conversation, it will fall under confidentiality as well and is protected by law unless your written permission has been given."

"Okay," Tony says slowly. He believes Kernov but still, just because something is against the law doesn't mean people don't still do it. There are probably a lot of people who are interested in this conversation just because it's Tony. And since Kernov could so quickly access the conversation with Elliot, well. That doesn't exactly inspire Tony's confidence.

But then again, the SGC will probably try to do everything to keep their relationship with Tony and Loki on even keel, especially considering their history with Tony; now that he's bonded he's a very valuable asset, and that's not even taking into account what Loki's presence, background and status mean to them. They have to know that if Tony were to find out that they aired his private business in front of anybody, he'd raise a stink of unknown proportions. Tony has a fair amount of support in the Sentinel Guide community because he's (not entirely voluntarily) used as a figurehead for the Guide movement; lots of Guides (and Sentinels, bonded to them or not) view him as a role model. A split between Tony and the SGC could have far-reaching consequences.

No, they won't risk Tony's ire, especially not after Elliot's stunt just now. That means that if any at all, less than a handful of people will view this conversation. So when Kernov asks, "Would you like to talk about what makes you anxious or tense when you try to access your bond?" Tony seriously thinks about the question, and answers honestly.

"It's not really a special thing that I only think about when I try to access the bond or anything." Shifting uncomfortably, Tony glances at Loki. "It's just that I'm generally aware of the fact that I'm not really an ideal Guide."

"Ah," Kernov makes. "From your Sentinel's expression, I take it this is not the first time that has come up."

Tony pulls up his shoulders. "No. He doesn't- I mean where he's from this whole Sentinel Guide thing isn't a thing at all, if you get what I mean."

"So you think that of course he wouldn't think you're a bad Guide, he doesn't know better, but as soon as he realizes he'll – what? Change his mind? That's not going to happen, you have to know that."

"I do," Tony says impatiently. "Listen, I'm no emo bundle of self-doubt, okay? I know that we're it."

Kernov nods slowly. "Okay. So, let me tell you something." She leans forwards. "Of course you're a bad Guide – for anyone but your Sentinel. And guess what? The only one you have to be a good Guide for is your Sentinel."

Tony blinks. Part of him feels like an idiot because of course she's right, the only one whose opinion matters is Loki, but the fact remains that just because he has a Sentinel now doesn't mean he's magically a good Guide. "So, what? You're saying that I'll miraculously be a good Guide because I'm mated now?"

"No, no." She shakes her head impatiently. "I'm saying you already are a good Guide. You have always been. Maybe you'd be a horrible Guide for John Doe or Jane Dobson or Fritz Jakobson, but for Loki, your Sentinel, you're exactly what he needs. It's not just genetics and chemicals; there are other things at play as well. We haven't even begun to work out how bonding actually works, _why_ it works; all we can do is help bring pairs together. Call it magic, if you will, but you're exactly what Loki needs. Correct?"

"Yes," Loki agrees. He squeezes Tony's hand and looks at him calmly.

Kernov nods. "There is no blueprint to how to be a perfect Guide – hell, there is no such thing as a "perfect Guide", not in that sense. Of course things aren't going to go so smoothly at the beginning; you're still learning each other, getting used to each other, fitting together. There are bound to be bumps in the road, and as I said, having difficulties with the bond is not unusual. You will learn and soon you won't have any problems. What can become problematic is your idea that you have to be _better_." She glances at Loki, and Loki nods as if she's actually told him something, passed on important information. After the short exchange she leans forwards and focuses on Tony again. "You are used to being the best, am I right?"

"Hey, now," Tony says, frowning. "This has nothing to do with that."

"Doesn't it?" Kernov raises an eyebrow.

Getting disgruntled, Tony pulls his hand out of Loki's grip and crosses his arms. "No. It's not about ego, okay? It's about my Sentinel."

"Who appears to be perfectly happy with you," Kernov returns, glancing at Loki again, who nods once more. Seriously, this whole tag team act is starting to really piss Tony off. He sits up, looks between the two of them and is suddenly more than pissed off; he's very uncomfortable and has to put a lot of effort into suppressing his first impulse, which is cutting the connection and pulling Loki out of the room, not letting him anywhere close to the screen anymore. Rationally he knows that he shouldn't do that, that it's an overreaction to something very minor that doesn't mean anything at all, but the rational part of him isn't really driving this show. If it were, he would be a lot less happy at being cut off from everything and everyone, holed up with just one person.

"Hey, okay, I'm sorry," Kernov suddenly says; both her hands are raised in a placating gesture. "That went a bit far. Look, let's both take a deep breath and return to your original query, okay?"

Tony isn't dumb; he might be running on instincts currently but that doesn't mean his brain is on a vacation. She's placating him because she noticed he was reacting – overreacting, really, he has to admit that even while he still wants to take Loki away and curl up with him far away from anyone else. But while he knows that he has the perfect alibi to act and react irrationally right now and could get away with a lot, he had a reason for calling. An important one.

Besides, if he hangs up now they might lodge it as a first responder mistake, giving them free reign to watch the recording of the call just like with Elliot. He's not going to do that, not if he can help it.

So Tony takes a deep breath even as he wants to bristle at following her instructions and says very calmly, "The bond. You said something about mapping my Sentinel?"

Kernov nods, the picture of professionalism. "Yes."

"I was under the impression the bond needs to be already accessible to me for that." Tony is sure they had said that during training, which, come to think of it, is probably the reason why he didn't pay much attention. Meditation, yeah, he could see himself possibly needing that at one point, but he couldn't really see himself bonded, even then.

"That makes it considerably easier," Kernov replies, "but just because you don't yet know how to locate the connection doesn't mean you aren't using it. If you both meditate – being in as much skin on skin contact as possible will help – you will be able to roughly canvass your Sentinel. This, too, is a process; even if you could already consciously use the bond to get there it would be. Take your time, don't try too hard. You were born with this; your instincts will guide you."

"And mapping my Sentinel will help me locate the bond," Tony concludes.

"Yes." Kernov nods. "This goes for both of you; the more attuned your senses are to each other, the stronger the bond, the easier everything will be for you to handle."

"Okay cool thanks," Tony says and just barely waits for her nod and "Feel free to call again if you would like more advice" before quitting the call.

"What happened?" Loki immediately asks, sitting forwards in his chair and frowning intently at Tony. "Something happened, between you and her, just now. What was it?"

Tony takes Loki's wrist and stands up, pulling him along. "Maybe you should not get along so well with other people." Keeping his grip on Loki's wrist, Tony pulls him off towards the bedroom. He's done caring about acting irrational.

"...I don't believe there was even enough interaction between me and her for anyone to make a judgment on how well we got along or not," Loki says after a short pause. He seems confused, vaguely annoyed, but remains passive and lets Tony push him on the mattress, though both his eyebrows fly up when Tony pulls off his shirt with a rough gesture.

"Shut up," Tony snaps and crawls on top of Loki, pushes his shirt – Tony's shirt, on Loki, and that's a thought that slightly placates him, just enough for him to have enough patience to let Loki realize his intention and pull his arms up on his own to aid him – up his Sentinel's chest and then off. To give him enough space to be successful Loki has to squirm a little and Tony half likes it, half doesn't; it almost feels like Loki is trying to get away from him but he isn't, he isn't. He really isn't because as soon as they're both shirtless Loki's hands settle on Tony's waist, slide up a little to cup his ribcage for a moment before they wander to Tony's back when Tony pushes close to Loki, settles on top of him with his head above Loki's heart.

The sound of it, steady and a little faster than relaxed but nowhere close to worrying, is as calming as the feel of Loki against him, his naked skin, warmth seeping over. And Loki is wise enough to keep silent, lets Tony take whatever he needs, lets him settle. He keeps his hands on his Guide's back, just resting there next to his spine, somewhere between holding Tony and not keeping him down, it's perfect. Loki is perfect – maybe not like that but what does perfect even mean? Tony wouldn't want someone like that anyway – and he's Tony's. He's _Tony's_.

"What does it mean?" Loki asks some time later. "Mapping, canvassing me."

Right. Tony takes a deep breath, feeling much calmer already if still a little unsettled, and tries to sit up. However, Loki doesn't appear to be at all happy with that; his grip on Tony tightens just a little, just enough for Tony to stop his halfhearted efforts and stay there. But now that Tony's mostly back to the land of the not-instinct-driven people he remembers how much he doesn't like lying on his belly because of the arc reactor, so he shifts the two of them despite Loki's wordless protest until they're lying on their sides, still close but far enough apart that they don't go cross-eyed looking at each other. Only then does Tony answer the question. "You know that thing you do where you touch me all over? Or smell me all over, or lick me, like after I took the shower with the scentless soap." Except that wasn't licking all over, a part of Tony is still crying after the missed opportunity, but it was enough licking to make a point. Also, ever since Tony has made a point of letting unscented products take over his life because while his usual, scented stuff doesn't bother Loki, it's clear how much his Sentinel prefers the scentless stuff.

"Yes." Loki frowns, puts a hand on Tony's belly. It's normally a thing Tony does – he just likes bellies, okay, and also he likes making sure that Loki _has one_ what with how downright skinny he is – but they've been picking things up from each other; Tony likes doing Loki's neck thing, Loki likes doing Tony's belly touching thing. It's... nice.

"That's you mapping me with your senses," Tony explains. "You're both checking me over at the same time as marking me as your territory."

"And you are to do the same?" Loki infers. "Is that why you took our shirts off? I was under the impression that your senses are not... elevated."

"They're not, not like that, though as a side-note I'm going to be a lot happier if you smell of me even if I can't actually smell it, you wearing my shirts is a very good thing in my book. And I took them off because I wanted to. No, I'm supposed to use my extra sense to map you. Empathically. Though I guess there's a tiny bit of telepathy thrown in there as well, but I can't actually read minds."

Loki nods, a bit impatiently; they had that conversation more than once. "I still don't quite know what exactly that means, but I am willing, if you are."

One eyebrow raised, Tony throws him a look. "Hell yeah I am."

Nodding again, Loki puts his arm loosely around Tony's waist and scoots closer. "I remember that we are supposed to be in close physical contact. What else do you wish for me to do?"

Slightly startled, Tony blinks. "What, now?" Not that he's complaining about Loki being all up close or anything, certainly not.

"Well, yes, unless you want to put up some candles first?"

Tony snorts and wraps one arm around Loki's shoulders. "Smartass."

"You do stare a lot, but I did not get the impression it's because you suspect my intelligence to be located in my posterior," Loki says drolly.

Unable to help it, Tony starts snickering; this is supposed to be serious but he loves it when Loki gets playful. It's a definite sign of his Sentinel getting more comfortable; he didn't do it at all at the beginning but the more they settle with each other and into their new circumstances, the more Loki seems to relax. Unsurprisingly, really, but Tony absolutely delights in it. Before he knows it he has moved in and kissed Loki, lips still stretched into a faint smile.

They both go still, equally surprised; then Loki tilts his chin up invitingly just the tiniest bit, likely an instinctive gesture if anything. Tony's response isn't quite as instinctive but that doesn't mean he thinks about it when he presses his lips to Loki's again, and whatever ability to think he had left vacates him completely when Loki kisses back.

It's not their first kiss, but it's their first proper kiss in the sense that it can't be excused as being a peck, as platonic, as non-sexual if perhaps not non-romantic. Their lips slide against each other slowly, sensually, the pace not at all matching the rapid beat of Tony's heart. He's sure Loki must be acutely aware of it too but hopefully he's as distracted by the kiss as Tony is.

Rationally, Tony knows he should stop – there is a reason they're not doing this, they even talked about it like proper adults and everything. But he couldn't care less right now, is far too preoccupied with the gentle press of Loki's lips, with how just this simple contact seems to completely steal his breath. His blood is rushing loudly in his ears, making him deaf to almost anything else as he pushes against his Sentinel with his whole body until Loki sinks on his back. Tony follows him, ending up half on top of Loki as their kiss turns wilder, Loki sucking Tony's lower lip into his mouth, making him gasp.

It's impossible to tell how long they've been at it by the time Tony has to pull away to catch his breath. Loki's eyes are dark, his lips red and shiny and Tony wants nothing more than continue with this, let it lead to its natural conclusion, but now that Loki's kisses aren't dizzying his thoughts he remembers that they had reasons for not doing this yet, good reasons that still stand. They're not ready yet, everything is far too messy already anyway and while Tony's libido is clamoring for this self-imposed ban on sex to end, rationally he knows that if they do it now it'll be a while before they emerge again. If he isn't careful he's going to mess this all up horribly, and sex would make that a lot easier for him. As soon as Tony introduces sex into his relationships things get complicated, and they're already complicated enough between him and Loki.

Loki says nothing when Tony pulls away further, settles on his side to look at his Sentinel and try to calm down. He doesn't do anything either, except continue to look like all kinds of temptation personified. Of course Tony would end up with a Sentinel who looks like sex on legs, and of course he'd be too messed up to enjoy it.

After quite a while has passed in complete silence, Tony glances at the clock before turning back to Loki. "Dinner?"

Amendable as usual when Tony suggests food, but not eager, Loki nods. By this point they've established a fairly domestic routine; Tony prepares the food – mostly ready-made meals at the moment plus a couple of pasta/rice with sauce combinations, but, being Sentinel-safe, at least Tony can be sure nothing is laden with chemicals and other unhealthy crap – while Loki sets the table. Then, while food is cooking, Loki link-hops on wikipedia while Tony fucks around on the internet and readily answers any questions Loki might have, if he can that is. This is a fairly recent development; Loki seems to have tried to partly replace his need to explore his territory outside by instead gaining what's generally referred to as "common knowledge" on Earth. He really isn't comfortable remaining as oblivious as he has been, that much is obvious to Tony even if Loki hasn't said it in so many words.

After they've eaten and cleaned up – read: put the dishes in the dishwasher – they go back to bed. Or rather, Tony goes to bed while Loki prowls the house for a while before joining him. "Would you like to map me now?" he offers when he returns, unceremoniously shucking his sweatpants on top of his still naked upper body before climbing into bed, where he then proceeds to roll all over everything, Tony included. He's not obvious about it and it had taken Tony a while to notice but eventually he had realized that Loki's innocent stretching and seeming restlessness after first getting into bed actually does have a purpose: he's scent-marking his territory. Loki doesn't do it every time but he does it often enough; Tony wonders whether it's even conscious or if he's so stealthy even he himself hasn't noticed. In the past week Loki has made remarkable progress moving past his initial reluctance to "pander" to his senses, as he had put it once, but it's tiny moments like this when it still comes out.

"Yeah," Tony replies once it seems like Loki has properly settled. A lot has happened today – really a lot – so he thinks some meditation is due for his piece of mind anyway, and Loki has done well with meditation earlier, both on his own and then together. "Want me to lead you into meditation again?"

Loki glances at him dryly. "I do know how to meditate."

Right. "Of course." Sometimes Tony... he doesn't quite forget, his plate is just so full at the moment that some stuff falls off, and that Loki has a hell of a lot of more experience than Tony does is one of those things. Especially at the beginning their relationship was a little out of balance because Loki didn't know anything about Guides and Sentinels and was in general more than a little out of balance with just about everything, but Loki has caught up a lot since then and Tony has to be careful he doesn't get condescending. All things considered, Tony is amazed at Loki's patience; if he himself were in Loki's position he would probably long since have lashed out. And from Loki's neverending curiosity and questions, one thing is clear: Loki and Tony's attitudes aren't too different where knowledge and their lack of it is concerned.

Apologetically, Tony nuzzles into Loki's neck. "Let's meditate together, then?"

Humming with approval, Loki turns into him and wraps one arm around Tony's waist, pulling him close. "How fortuitous that you are almost naked already."

Tony laughs; he'd taken his shirt off because the thought of being shirtless with Loki had been irresistible, and then Loki had taken his clothes off as well, making it even better. That skin on skin contact will help them get into meditation together easier is just a bonus. "Let's go, then."

They settle down, getting comfortable with each other. It's something they have a lot of practice with and pretty soon Tony feels himself sink into that calm, tranquil state that is not quite sleep, but not awake either. He feels Loki against him, physically as well as psychically; warm and comfortable and relaxed. At first they're not synchronized, together but not _together_ , but slowly their minds align and their bodies along with them until they're breathing to the same rhythm, heartbeats matching.

At first that's all Tony feels, much like the first time; their minds at rest alongside each other, the warmth of the connection like a comforting blanket enveloping them both, drawing them together further. It's incredibly relaxing, feeling his Sentinel so close, feeling how much in harmony there are. It's comforting too, reminds Tony that while yes, things are starting to be more difficult now that the initial, dazing rush of chemicals flooding their brain after finding each other is evening out, but they're still Guide and Sentinel, meant for each other in a lot of ways, romantic and non-romantic. No matter what, for better or for worse, they'll stay together.

With that thought at the forefront of his mind, he sinks further into himself – or themselves, because it very much involves Loki too – pulling Loki right along with him as the connection between them deepens and strengthens. Somebody in a forum had jokingly called this "mindmeld" like in Star Trek, but it's different – or rather, it involves only the instinctive, empathic parts of them, not their actual thoughts and memories. Tony knows that if he tried he might even manage to get into the conscious part of Loki's mind as well but he doesn't want to do that yet, and certainly not without Loki's expressed consent. He doesn't need to, anyway; he feels perfectly content where he is now, Loki's feelings all around them – and Loki feels so _good_. It's an indiscernible mishmash of calm and relaxation, and further in there is joy and relief so strong that it's almost breathtaking. Both, Tony knows this for a fact, refer unanimously to him and their bonding; there is no explanation but it's not like Tony needs one anyway. He feels very much the same way, after all. There is nothing that could dampen it and he's only had thirty-six years of feeling incomplete, alone; Loki had about a thousand, and no explanation to go with it either.

Never again, Tony thinks, they're never again going to feel that way.

He stays where he is for a while, letting it soothe his worries and hoping that Loki is getting the same contentment out of this that Loki is, but from the way it feels to him, he must be. In a different way than Tony, he doesn't have Tony's gifts, but Loki definitely feels very relaxed and content to him.

Eventually, though, Tony remembers that he is here for a purpose and he delves deeper. Not in the sense that he strengthens the – for lack of better terms – mindmeld but as in he goes further along to explore Loki's emotions. Most of them lead to Tony somehow: worry, fear, fondness, wonder, need, curiosity, even a faint hint of anger, but most potently a fierce protectiveness. Everything that is about Tony is a very strong cluster of feelings, unsurprisingly, but there is another cluster almost as potent which is very surprising, considering the situation they're in: freshly bonded Sentinel and Guide who have barely seen or heard from another person in over a week. For this to still be so prominent in Loki, it has to be very important – it has to be about people that are very important. Or just one person.

When Tony first realizes this he gets scared, so scared he almost retreats from Loki and breaks the connection because he doesn't want to know- Loki hasn't said anything, you'd think he'd have said something by now but maybe he hasn't. Come to think of it Tony barely knows anything about him and Loki didn't know he was a Sentinel, didn't know he had a Guide so he might very well have... but, no. If that were the case it'd suck for everyone involved but it's not like they could have known, and Loki would have said something by now. Tony has to believe that Loki would have said something by now, because if he is the sort of person who could and would keep something like that from their Guide... it doesn't bear thinking about.

But Loki isn't that sort of person. He isn't. Tony would have noticed something by this point, if Loki weren't completely genuine with him. Of course there are things they don't talk about and admittedly, so far Tony has been the one who talked the most about himself, but still. Loki doesn't have a secret girlfriend waiting around somewhere, that's ridiculous.

It really is, Tony realizes a moment later, once he's psyched himself up enough to actually approach the second cluster. The first emotion Tony finds is rage, the consuming, all-encompassing kind that makes people jump out of windows or commit murder. Personally Tony isn't very familiar with it; his anger comes either in short bursts that vent themselves soon or is the low-simmering type that sometimes turns inwards. Loki has it bridled, that much is clear, but Tony gets the feeling that it could come out at a moment's notice and he worries about the consequences for Loki. This depth of emotion can turn a person blind to anything else. He needs to find a way to help Loki with this.

Discomfort welling up in his Sentinel momentarily distracts Tony; Loki has realized what Tony is almost touching and he doesn't like it. For a moment Tony debates ignoring that and delving in further – he _really_ wants to know who this is referring to and besides, this is what mapping is all about – but he isn't going to disrespect Loki like that. So he pulls away from the shell of anger and whatever might be hiding underneath and slowly, gradually removes himself from Loki. The more distance he puts between them the more empty he feels; Loki is still in him, of course, they're still connected, still _bonded_ , but Tony has nothing tangible and the further they separate, the more it feels like he's giving Loki up. He almost expects to feel the pain in his chest again that he felt when Loki walked away from him, is already bracing for it when he suddenly-

Oh. Oh, _that_ is the bond. Tony was using it all along to get to Loki, is in fact constantly using it to get feedback from him and send him stuff too; it's right there, it's been there all this time. He was expecting something far too concrete, far too... visual when he went looking for it. There is no literal bond connecting them; rather, it's countless strings in an almost disorganized mess but there still is a pattern to it, Tony can tell as much even if he has no idea as to its nature. But it doesn't matter anyway because Loki is _right there_ , in Tony as much as Tony is in him even when they aren't purposefully doing anything to make it so, and though they appear thin the strings are strong, durable. Unbreakable.

Now that he knows what to look for it seems preposterous that he didn't manage until now but looking back, he can see what exactly he did wrong; he was looking far too hard and yet at the same time not focusing enough. The strings are delicate and they're so interwoven with Tony's being that he, looking for something strange, foreign, out of place, could never have found them. A bit like looking for a tree in a forest, really.

They're not only Tony, though. Just as much they're Loki but in actuality they're them, TonyandLoki; Tony doesn't know what he expected but while he knew that bonding is a process, this is the first time he truly realizes it. It's a process, but for it to be one it has to have already started, which means that they're already there. They're already bonded; all they're doing now is strengthening their bond, deepening the connection; nothing could tear them apart, not even so relatively recently after meeting. He feels stupid realizing it so late in but maybe there was a part of him that kept thinking that Loki still had time to reconsider, to decide that he'd been doing okay without this for a thousand years, he can learn to be okay again. It was just a fluke, just weird chemicals, Loki has magic at his disposal; he can figure something out that will do the exact same thing Tony's body is doing for him without the hassle of having to deal with Tony along the way. Yeah, rationally he knew those thoughts were preposterous but that didn't really keep him from having them, buried deep down as they were.

But it's not possible. The bond is already there, it's firmly in place and it's a part of both of them; cutting it will literally be like ripping them both apart, if it's even possible to begin with because from the way those strings feel to Tony? They're indestructible. They, Tony and Loki, are literally inseparable.

When Tony opens his eyes, Loki is frowning down at him in confusion even while he can't help but echo Tony's own broad smile. "What has you so..." Loki starts, only to be interrupted when Tony flings both arms around him and pulls him close, breaching what little distance there was between them with a giddy laugh.

"I found the bond," he explains breathlessly while Loki settles half on top of him, face buried in his neck. "It's _beautiful_ , Loki. Magnificent. Nobody could ever take it away."

Loki growls at the mere thought. "Of course not." He tightens his grip on Tony. "And should they try they will live only long enough to regret it."

At the promise of violence and retribution on the deserving Tony's smile widens impossibly. He's just so relieved, so happy; it's almost like meeting Loki for the first time all over again only this time he already has some idea of what he's getting – better, he already got it.

He lies there basking in the feeling for a while, that new-found security; he remembers having had it when he first met Loki but somewhere along the way he must have lost it. They need to meditate more so that won't happen again, both of them, together like this. Just like this.

Tony almost falls asleep, mellow and peaceful as he feels now, safe and secure in the knowledge that no matter what, he'll have Loki and Loki will have him. Never again will he feel empty and abandoned, like he doesn't belong anywhere with anyone, no matter how hard he tries to carve out a space for himself. He's thinking about it, recalling the bond and what it felt like when he found it when he suddenly remembers _how_ he found it. That well of emotions Loki didn't want him anywhere near... "What was it?"

"Hm?" Loki blinks at him, halfway asleep already. "What was what?"

Tony licks his lips. He already brought it up, and he really can't ignore this. "You were... you _are_ so angry. Why?"

Loki just looks at him, face darkening, but he says no word. It could be a hint towards Tony dropping the topic but he wouldn't be himself if he didn't push.

"See, I'm thinking... there are two types of people who can make a person that angry. Family or lovers." Tony raises an eyebrow, silently asking for Loki to tell him which applies here.

After a tense moment Loki bites out, "I have no lovers." Then he rolls out of bed and stalks off.

Really, Tony should have expected that but he's still caught completely off-guard. He scrambles to follow Loki and finds him standing in front of the panorama window, standing out into the broad expanse of the ocean, midnight dark at this time of night, and the wide night sky stretching up above. It's a clear night, scarcely a cloud in sight, affording a brilliant view of the stars and the thin sliver of moon, but Loki seems unaffected by the view, body tense with bridled tension.

Tony hesitates in the doorway for a moment, considering his strategy, before he steps closer. "Hey," he says, but doesn't reach out to touch Loki, not yet. Then he falters because he still doesn't know what to say. Tell Loki that he knows what it's like because he's angry at his parents too? It's true but he's never been _that_ angry. Say that they don't have to talk about it? If he really thought that he wouldn't have brought it up. "So, it's pretty clear you don't want to talk about it but, uh, we sorta should? Eventually? Not now, not if you don't want to, but... I'm worried." When Loki doesn't appear to react at all Tony takes another step closer, until they're almost touching. "I figure, if you're that angry... they have to have done something to deserve it."

Loki snorts bitterly, and Tony finally dares reach out to touch him. When he puts his hand on Loki's upper arm he feels just how tense he is, muscles hard under the skin. "Hey. You know I'm on your side, right? Whatever it is, I'm with you all the way." And he means it, he truly does. Yeah, there are some things he can't condone, but whatever Loki might have done in the past... if he doesn't do it again, Tony can overlook it. Thinking about it, there truly might not be anything he won't be willing to overlook, which is a scary thought, but there it is. Loki is his Sentinel, his _mate_ , and Tony knows what it's like to feel that emptiness inside – knows just how far someone would go to fill it, to numb themselves to it.

Finally, Loki looks at him, eyes dark as he searches Tony's face. "Perhaps," he eventually says.

"No," Tony insists, grabbing Loki's face with both hands so he won't be able to look away. " _I'm with you_."

For a moment Loki just stares at him. Eventually he nods tightly and relaxes at least a little.

Breathing out, Tony leans their foreheads together. Loki is still tense, especially emotionally, but Tony hopes he got it now, at least a little, what Tony realized – again – earlier. One would think they got it the first time, when they found each other, but turns out this is the sort of thing that takes a while to sink in. And considering how much longer Loki's been without his Guide – a thousand years, it still doesn't compute – it will probably take him even more time than Tony.

But it's still good that he brought it up, because he got to make himself clear to Loki, and maybe soon Loki will be able to tell him what exactly is going on, what happened. Because something has to have happened, probably very recently too, that much is clear even without taking Puento Antiguo into consideration. Tony remembers the reports, Loki apparently used a oversized robot to try to kill his brother, destroying half a town in the process.

Well, there were no casualties, and even if there had been... Tony wouldn't say it's excusable but he's certainly the last person to cast stones, Merchant of Death as he was called.

Yeah, Tony has some theories on what happened, but none of it matters right now. Perhaps not even at all, not like that at least, but that remains to be seen.

"Come back to bed," he says quietly.

After a brief moment Loki nods and quietly walks back into the bedroom. Wordlessly, he climbs into bed and curls up; for a moment Tony worries he doesn't want to be touched but he's thankfully proven wrong. As soon as he gets into bed, Loki reaches out to pull him close, tangles their legs and pulls Tony's face to his neck.

They're silent for a very long time; Tony is actually on the brink of sleep, and it took a lot to get him there after what just happened, by the time Loki speaks up. "Thank you." It's all he says and he says it quietly, with a gravitas Tony doesn't feel he fully deserves; of course he's going to stand by his Sentinel, what does Loki think- but he isn't stupid enough to say any of it, and he does realize how much it means to have someone offer their unwavering support. So he just nods and kisses Loki's chest, because it's right there in front of him and he can't make any promises about love, but dedication, that he can do, and for now, also something like gentleness, affection. Most importantly, though, he can offer his support. No matter how they work out in the end, Loki will always have that.


End file.
